It is OK to argue in a marriage, I tell couples all the time that their kids should see that they have disagreements and not hide them from the kids. However in that advice there are instructions that if it is something that is heavy or that turns into a big fight then it should be taken behind closed doors. Our children should see the dynamics of the beginning, middle and the end of a argument. This is healthy and teaches them how to deal with conflict.

Unfortunately as I sit behind a desk and listen to couples or read an email, all to often it is littered with the breaking down of what I consider the healthy exchange. There are so many different bible instructions that give us the guidance that we need for that healthy exchange but all too often it falls on dead ears. Out of all the verses my favorite is Ephesians 4:29 “Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those that hear”  This verse reminds me of the advice we all received from our Grandmothers, ” If you don’t have anything nice to say then say nothing at all.” Who doesn’t remember hearing that from their grandmother?

Diana and I give every couple that comes to see rules on fighting fair and I want to share them with you today.

1. Stay Calm-No matter what the other person is doing stay calm, by getting as angry or angrier than the other it will only make things worse.
2. Express your feelings in words not anger- In the heat of the argument if you feel that you are losing take a time out and then come back together to discuss.
3. Be Specific on what is bothering you-You need to focus on what is bothering you at the moment and not from 6 weeks ago.
4. Never use words such as “never” or “always”
5. Do not accuse, this leads to putting the other person in a defensive mode.
6. Stick to the facts and keep your feelings honest.
7. Don’t stop talking, if you clam up and say nothing, then nothing will ever get accomplish.
8. Pray before and after the discussion.

The purpose of an argument is not to win but to listen and come to a solution. To many times we let the sun go down on our anger and bury the problem until the next fight and everything that has been buried from before comes out with a vengeance. After reading this share it with your spouse and be the change that changes your marriage.

In Christ,

Pastor Rick